As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I am yelling
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.