hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Ummm
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.