Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
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Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Ain’t no way
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you