Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
You Might Also Like
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!