I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?