I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
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Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice