My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
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Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Cheer up.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.