Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
You Might Also Like
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.