Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
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[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
When someone trying to leave me
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Not all heroes wear capes…
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.