Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
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I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
the best thing i’ve ever made
Seems legit
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
The Weeknd is back
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do