my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
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Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?