What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
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Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
a fate I wish upon no one
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date