Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan