May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
You deplete me
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
This is hilarious….
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]