I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
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I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest