kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.