My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
You Might Also Like
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.