My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.