At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
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“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!