When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
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*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Things will get butter, keep churning
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds