Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
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I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]