YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
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A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
live long and prosper!
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.