sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
scares
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
When you’re Kinky but poor
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.