(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
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fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
This guy’s not having it 😆
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!