Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
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If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants