Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
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Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I feel it
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”