[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Well, that didn’t work.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Name this drama.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
When you’re Kinky but poor
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.