“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
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I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?