I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
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Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.