VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.