Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
You Might Also Like
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER