Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
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DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me