“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
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Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
spot the difference
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
🤣
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.