[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
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7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Is your wife single?
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.