If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
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Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Had an epiphany today.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.