Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Nothing to do, you say?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Boom, boom, ching!
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.