I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
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Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Meowchelangelo
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
What the hell happened in there??
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?