I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
You Might Also Like
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays