3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
You Might Also Like
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Personal question. #JustSaying
LMAO.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.