babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
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10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong