We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.