Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Twitter fine art
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?