Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
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whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
my lower back watching me try to live my life
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
The pasta is now
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…