Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
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“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
me adding lol on a serious message
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet