g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
You Might Also Like
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy