Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
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My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak