Is anyone gonna tell them?
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What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
girls literally only want one thing..
it be like that
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?