5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
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I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
asked my bf how work was today
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.