Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
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I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
jesus, what did this guy do
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.