💯😂
You Might Also Like
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.